I'm sitting there, heart pounding in my chest, my breathing rapid and shallow and my shaking hands sweating under the desk. I want to be sick. Whilst reading out the attendance register my teacher pauses, glances at me, then skips my name and carries on down the list. The tightness in my chest relaxes ever so slightly and when my friends look at me confused that he missed my name again I laugh along with them that he must be getting old. What they don't know is that all of my teachers have been asked not to make me read aloud in class, not even to answer my name in the register.
I was 15 and I was suffering from severe social anxiety – an intense fear of being judged, ridiculed and humiliated in front of others, even in everyday situations. It was all I could think about, day and night – how would I get through the day without having to speak in class? I'm certain that it was triggered from being bullied for blushing, and believe I can even pinpoint the exact event that turned me from just another nervous public speaker into a teenager with an anxiety disorder.
I became consumed with a crippling fear, imagining and believing the worst possible scenario that could possibly occur. I was a straight-A student but my anxiety was affecting my studies. I would make an excuse to duck out of class whenever there was a chance that I might have to read aloud and would hide in the toilets in tears. I spent more time trying to make sure no-one noticed how much my hands were shaking than actually listening in my lessons. I didn't know I had an anxiety disorder at the time, I just knew that I was terrified and felt completely out of control of my own thoughts, feelings and body.
I lived like this for months before I got help from a therapist, and still struggled with it for many years. When I changed schools I had a fresh start, making new friends who supported me instead of bullying me and started to get my life back on track again.
It was during my second year at university that my anxiety reared its ugly head again. After my then-boyfriend cheated on me I couldn't stop obsessively worrying that it would happen again, and I would lie awake at night plagued by negative thoughts and fears. My anxiety was so strong that it leaked into many other areas of my life and I lost trust in everything, including myself. I didn't know whether what I was thinking and feeling was true or a product of my anxiety.
I had my first panic attack during a theatre performance of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My heart was racing, my chest was so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe, my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't hold the programme and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of utter terror. I had become so fearful of the anxiety itself and was trapped in what felt like a never-ending circle.
I made an emergency appointment with the doctor the next morning and was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). Just getting a diagnosis helped me massively, I'm the kind of person that needs to understand something and it helped me feel like I had regained some control. I started CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) the following week and was taught to identify thoughts and behavioural patterns that contributed to my anxiety and replace them with more rational ways of thinking to help me cope with and control my anxiety.
Anxiety disorders often run in families, suggesting that people may have a genetic predisposition towards anxiety making them more vulnerable to developing the disorders following an additional trigger, in my case bullying and later the breakdown of a relationship. Considering that many of my family members also struggle with these conditions I'm hardly surprised that I do too. It was a tough road but what I learnt through CBT altered my thinking patterns and allowed me to develop coping mechanisms to manage my anxiety.
I would now consider myself a generally confident person and would doubt that most people who meet me would guess that I have an anxiety disorder. To this day, having to give a talk still fills me with dread, but by preparing thoroughly I can now control my anxiousness and give the talk as if I was someone who found public speaking just slightly nerve-wracking. I do still have trust issues and insecurities and sometimes do struggle with over-worrying or obsessing over something, but it is no longer crippling me. I can now say 'I am feeling anxious' and understand that whatever I am thinking or feeling is being overblown and I can start to rationalise with myself. It doesn't always work, sometimes the fear is too strong and I may start catastrophising. But these feelings now pass and don't consume or control me.
Living with a mental illness like anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of and is much more common than you might think. You don't have to tackle it alone, there are so many services out there that can help depending on what suits your individual needs. I won't deny that learning to live with your anxiety is challenging, but I promise you it can and will get better.
I was 15 and I was suffering from severe social anxiety – an intense fear of being judged, ridiculed and humiliated in front of others, even in everyday situations. It was all I could think about, day and night – how would I get through the day without having to speak in class? I'm certain that it was triggered from being bullied for blushing, and believe I can even pinpoint the exact event that turned me from just another nervous public speaker into a teenager with an anxiety disorder.
I became consumed with a crippling fear, imagining and believing the worst possible scenario that could possibly occur. I was a straight-A student but my anxiety was affecting my studies. I would make an excuse to duck out of class whenever there was a chance that I might have to read aloud and would hide in the toilets in tears. I spent more time trying to make sure no-one noticed how much my hands were shaking than actually listening in my lessons. I didn't know I had an anxiety disorder at the time, I just knew that I was terrified and felt completely out of control of my own thoughts, feelings and body.
I lived like this for months before I got help from a therapist, and still struggled with it for many years. When I changed schools I had a fresh start, making new friends who supported me instead of bullying me and started to get my life back on track again.
It was during my second year at university that my anxiety reared its ugly head again. After my then-boyfriend cheated on me I couldn't stop obsessively worrying that it would happen again, and I would lie awake at night plagued by negative thoughts and fears. My anxiety was so strong that it leaked into many other areas of my life and I lost trust in everything, including myself. I didn't know whether what I was thinking and feeling was true or a product of my anxiety.
I had my first panic attack during a theatre performance of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My heart was racing, my chest was so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe, my hands were shaking so much that I couldn't hold the programme and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of utter terror. I had become so fearful of the anxiety itself and was trapped in what felt like a never-ending circle.
I made an emergency appointment with the doctor the next morning and was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). Just getting a diagnosis helped me massively, I'm the kind of person that needs to understand something and it helped me feel like I had regained some control. I started CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) the following week and was taught to identify thoughts and behavioural patterns that contributed to my anxiety and replace them with more rational ways of thinking to help me cope with and control my anxiety.
Anxiety disorders often run in families, suggesting that people may have a genetic predisposition towards anxiety making them more vulnerable to developing the disorders following an additional trigger, in my case bullying and later the breakdown of a relationship. Considering that many of my family members also struggle with these conditions I'm hardly surprised that I do too. It was a tough road but what I learnt through CBT altered my thinking patterns and allowed me to develop coping mechanisms to manage my anxiety.
I would now consider myself a generally confident person and would doubt that most people who meet me would guess that I have an anxiety disorder. To this day, having to give a talk still fills me with dread, but by preparing thoroughly I can now control my anxiousness and give the talk as if I was someone who found public speaking just slightly nerve-wracking. I do still have trust issues and insecurities and sometimes do struggle with over-worrying or obsessing over something, but it is no longer crippling me. I can now say 'I am feeling anxious' and understand that whatever I am thinking or feeling is being overblown and I can start to rationalise with myself. It doesn't always work, sometimes the fear is too strong and I may start catastrophising. But these feelings now pass and don't consume or control me.
Living with a mental illness like anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of and is much more common than you might think. You don't have to tackle it alone, there are so many services out there that can help depending on what suits your individual needs. I won't deny that learning to live with your anxiety is challenging, but I promise you it can and will get better.
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